Random Shorts
by tigerwolfspellbear
Summary: Random short stories mostly about Deidara and Tobi/Obito, but may include others (Iruka/Kakashi, Genma/Raidou, Ibiki) as the bunnies command. Rated T for swearing/suggestiveness. Some chapters may jump to M.
1. Tobi's Bad Day

**Disclaimer** \- I don't own Naruto, anything brand named, or other properties that may be mentioned in any of these. But y'all already knew that, right?

_Spoilers may be present._

_5/13/2014. Just a random bunny that spawned from thin air._

* * *

"Alright, now that we've settled into the new base, I have a few new ground rules to go over." The rest of the members of the Akatsuki group groaned. Pein ignored them and continued. "Rule number one: Use of bombs is prohibited inside and within ten feet of the base.

"I was just trying to help get Samehada off Tobi, un."

"Which brings me to rule number two: Do not let your chakra eating swords eat Akatsuki members."

Kisame shrugged. "He was hungry."

Pein glared at Kisame. "Rule number three: Detrimental eye jutsu are prohibited inside and within ten feet of the base."

"He shouldn't have come into my room!"

"Not like he could see you hiding your stash of candy under the bed with Samehada on his head."

It was Itachi's turn to glare at Kisame, who merely shrugged again. "Everyone already knew."

Pein coughed to get everyone's attention again. "Rule number four: You may not ritually sacrifice any Akatsuki members for any reason."

"Bastard interrupted my prayer to Jashin!"

Pein sighed. "Rule number five: Use of detrimental poisons on Akatsuki members is prohibited."

"It only paralyzed his throat. He's alive."

"That was fucking great. He still can't speak!"

"Enjoy it while you can, Hidan. It will probably wear off today or tomorrow."

"NUMBER six: You may not kill current Akatsuki members for another heart. Just because it is that time of the month and the object of your irritation runs past your office, does not give you license to see if you can increase your limit."

"Do you KNOW how much his goofing off has cost us? It almost gave me a heart attack after I got done doing the finances!"

Konan spoke up. "Rule number seven: Almighty Push may not be used inside the base at any time, no matter how small."

Pein glared at Deidara. "I was just defending myself from being blasted along with Tobi. Number eight, the final rule: "Use of paper weapons is prohibited inside the base."

"I wouldn't have had to use them if your Almighty Push hadn't knocked down the bathroom wall!"

Tobi watched, hidden in the shadows. In truth, even though he had used Kamui, he was still sore since there was a brief second that had been spent between the explosion from Deidara's last bomb and Pein's Almighty Push. Samehada decided he no longer tasted good as soon as Pein had shouted at them, giving him just enough warning. It was a good thing he was more than just 'Tobi'.


	2. Prank

_May 30, 2014. A prompt I got from a role-playing tumblr - called the wrong number AU._

* * *

The phone rang. Again. It just wouldn't stop today. Everyone and their dog wanted to bother him. Was he sure he had all the paint they would need to graffiti the bridge tonight? Why they had paint graffiti was a running argument he had with Sasori. He'd rather set off firecrackers or other explosives into businesses. Did he turn in all his receipts, because today was the last day and don't come crying if not. He had of course. Why Kakuzu thought otherwise was beyond him. Who did he think he was, Tobi?

He'd talked to just about everyone in their little gang today, with the exception of Itachi, who never called and that was just fine by him, and Tobi. He'd rather not get a call from Tobi. It always ended up wasting his time.

He picked up the phone on the third ring. "WHAT!?"

"What do you call a solitary shark?" the other voice answered.

"Tobi. You have the wrong number."

"Give up? You call it alone shark," he giggled, hanging up the phone.

Deidara hung up the phone, fists clenching. The phone rang again and he once more picked it up, growling. "Hello?"

"Knock, knock."

Deidara's right eye started twitching. "Who's there?"

"Needle."

"What?"

"Needle little money for the movies."

"Tobi."

"Not Tobi! Byyyyyyyyeeeeee!"

Deidara slammed the phone down, only for it to start ringing. He picked it up. "Tobi, I swear to god if you don't stop calling me-"

"So that's why Kisame forwarded his calls."

"Itachi?" Deidara didn't get anywhere further since the man in question hung up on him. Deidara was beyond annoyed. He went down to his basement, bringing up a small bit of C4. He had just enough time to place it under the phone before it rang again.

"'Deidara speaking," he said, fiddling with the detonator before sticking it in.

"Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?"

"I don't know, Tobi, why?"

"They've experienced pain and bought jewelry!"

And the line clicked and went dead, which was more than fine by him. He went into the next room, crouching down at the doorframe and detonated his small bomb, blowing the phone into high speed missiles, that flew all across the room. The only real identifying piece left was half of the receiver.

The next day, when they all got together, Deidara had a plastic bag with him, containing the pieces of phone. He used the receiver to hit Tobi over the head, flipping it in his hand and threatening to use it again on Tobi.

"What was that for, Senpai?" Tobi whined.

"Dumbass, you owe me a new phone, drywall repairs, which I expect you to finish by tomorrow, and the phone company is charging me for the extra service of not accepting forwarded calls, so I expect you to pay for that, un." Deidara smiled an evil nasty smile. "I also came across some new explosive material. Guess who gets to help me set it up?"

"W-w-wait, just a minute, Senpai. The last time Tobi helped, Tobi almost got blown up."

Deidara handed Tobi the bag. "I know. Just think of it as training, un. You'll be able to run from the cops faster."


	3. Chance

_May 31, 2014. Another prompt from a role-playing blog on tumblr - accidentally picked the wrong seats in an airplane/theater AU._

* * *

He settled down in his seat, setting the cup in the drink holder to his right and balancing the popcorn in his lap. It was a relatively uncrowded theater, a few people in the front and middle, but the back, next to the speakers, there was no one, just the way he liked it. He let both hand mouths do their normal thing, one mouthing the popcorn, licking off the butter and salt, while the other one sipped the drink. It liked to swirl the stuff around and then spit it back into the cup. Usually he got cherry cola for it, but had winded up with 7up this time.

The lights dimmed and the movie started, the commercials for the theater reminding moviegoers to throw away their trash at the end of the movie and to turn off their mobile devices. Someone dressed in black came up the stairs, tripping slightly and almost spilling their refreshments, before making it all the way up. The person pushed past Deidara's legs, causing him to frown. They sat down next to him, getting into his personal space by setting their drink on Deidara's left side and rustling around with their things.

"Do you mind? Go sit somewhere else, un," he hissed as soon as there was a lull in the music.

"Sorry, sorry. I just like sitting up here," a hyper male voice answered him.

"Yeah, well, go sit on the other side or something, un."

"Can't, the movie is starting."

The music blared again, making it impossible for Deidara to say anything else. He decided to ignore the man as much as possible to enjoy the movie.

Enjoying the movie was impossible however. First of all, it was a boring, sappy movie. A movie about sharks and how the power of love could overcome any obstacle and it made him want to throw his half-soggy popcorn at the screen. But no, he had paid for it and if he wanted to be able to wring Kisame's neck for recommending it, he'd have to see all of it. Besides, Kisame had promised there were explosions in the movie.

Every time there was a lull in the music or things got quieter though, he could hear the man next to him loudly crunching on popcorn or nachos, slurping his drink, and crinkling the packaging from a bag of candy. He just could not seem to do anything quietly.

"Would you STOP?"

"What?"

"Eat quietly, for the love of explosions!" And he got shushed by the others in the theater for his efforts.

"Hehe, Senpai shouldn't be so loud," the other man whispered.

"You're one to talk!" he hissed back. "And I am not your Senpai!"

"But, you're older than Tobi-kun, Senpai."

"Just shut up, un!"

"Sssshhhhh!"

He kicked the seat in front of him and tried to refocus on the movie. And finally, the explosion came. He sat up, taking it in. It wasn't the best explosion he'd ever seen, but given the last hour and a half he had just wasted, he didn't care. The people got their happy ending and the lights started coming back on as the credits rolled. Deidara picked up his stuff, getting out of there as fast as he could.

The next day, he met up with the gang and while waiting for the leader, told Kisame his movie sucked and he owed him his ten dollars back. To his annoyance, Kisame just told him "make me" and grinned, showing off pointy teeth. He backed down, knowing he wasn't really a challenge for the beefier man. Their leader finally showed up, a man dressed in black and sporting an orange swirl mask following him. He was introduced as Tobi, Deidara's new partner, and Deidara groaned, wondering if the world hated him. He complained, loudly, about not needing any kind of partner other than the recently deceased Sasori. Especially not one who couldn't do anything quietly, but it got him no where.

He was told to show Tobi the ropes and everyone else left. He grumbled, more to himself and finally, resigned, started walking away, Tobi following him closely.

"So, Senpai, what do we do now?"

"I find some clay and see how high you can fly, un."


	4. Thief's Thief

_June 1, 2014. Prompt from tumblr, not sure if I got it from a role-playing tumblr or not, although I think not. __VERSION 2 one is a famously known thief the other is a new catburglar on the scene who keeps stealing loot out from under the famous one._

* * *

The third time and damn it, he was going to blow up who ever kept getting to his marks first. He left quickly, not wanting to be caught, jumping onto the clay bird he'd left at the window and taking off. He happened to look down and saw a figure jumping the fence, the glinting of jewelry that was barely hanging out of the back pouch alerting him that he had found his thief.

Tobi jumped down from the fence, hiding himself in the shadows. He cautiously made his way through the village, not taking a direct route and even circling a block or two to get back to his run down, cheap apartment. Once there, he breathed a little easier, hand coming up to take off his orange mask.

"So you're the little shit who keeps stealing from me."

He dropped his hand, reaching for a shuriken as he turned to face the voice. A man was in his window, casually leaning against it. "N-n-no, of course not, Tobi is a good boy and didn't steal anything!"

"Liar. I followed you all the way from the mansion you got that pretty little piece sitting in your back pocket from."

He laughed, rubbing the back of his head in a nervous gesture. "Tobi got to it first, Senpai. Finders, keepers."

"This is the third time _Tobi_ has stolen from me and I've had a lot of time to think of how to deal with you."

"Don't be a sore loser, Senpai."

Deidara grinned. "Oh, I'm not, un. It won't hurt much, I promise, but you will get my message loud and clear. Stay out of my territory and go find your own to steal from." Deidara jumped out of the window, tossing some clay behind him.

Tobi bent down and picked it up, examining the intricately sculpted bird. "This is pretty, Senpai. Is Tobi supposed to keep it as a token of your affections?" It exploded, sending Tobi through the roof and into the night sky. On his long flight, he had time to reflect on just who he had run into and that he should indeed, find new territory. Or maybe not. The thief known near and far for his explosive signature was kind of cute.


	5. Bars (M rating)

_June 13, 2014. Another one gotten from a tumblr rp prompt. I know those aren't really for writing fanfiction, but I see them, get ideas and, well, they're good bunny starters. This on is __'I'm pretending to be your bff because you looked VERY uncomfortable with that person at the bar hitting on you' AU. **Rating this one as an M**, just to be on the safe side, for dirty pick up lines (thank you internet... ...). This one is Obito/Tobi and Dei and I may have meandered from the suggestion. Just a bit._

* * *

"Hey sugar, your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up."

Deidara turned and glared at the man sitting a few seats down from him. They were the only two sitting at the bar. The man grinned at him and Deidara rolled his eyes, looking away. The bartender came for his order, huffing when he asked for water. The other man was now planting himself in the seat next to Deidara.

"Hey, baby, don't be so cold." He snaked his arm around Deidara, pulling him close and whispering in his ear. "Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore. My face should be among them."

Deidara's fist connected with the man's stomach, doubling him over. He brought his knee up, hitting the man in the face with it, and using a little chakra, (damn that Uchiha for insisting on holding on to his clay while they were in the village. Low profile his ass.) spun around and kicked the man into the wall, some ten feet away. The wall shook, denting in a little upon impact.

"See here, you can't-"

Deidara slapped down enough money to repair the wall. The bartender took it and promptly shut up, going back to his business of cleaning out empty glasses.

"Hey, there you are, Senpai. Sorry Tobi took so long, did you already order?"

"Yeah, the water's not that great here, let's go somewhere else."

"Sure Senpai."

Deidara got up and they walked through the maze of tables and patrons. He opened the door, not caring if it hit Obito or not. It didn't of course, the Uchiha being more than nimble enough to evade a simple door as it swung shut on him. He placed his arms around Deidara, pulling him back against him and nuzzling the nose of his Anbu-like mask (they were _trying_ to stay unnoticed and his previous masks as well as his face were both dead giveaways to his identity) against Deidara's ear.

"I'm glad you kicked that fool into the wall before I got there, Dei. I would have sent him spiraling into oblivion."

"And blown our cover, un. I don't need your help."

"Yes." He started walking them forward while still clinging to Deidara.

"Hypocrite."

"Hey! Get your fucking hands off her and go find your own bimbo. I found her first!" The guy from before weaved through the door, glaring at Obito, who suddenly found his hands full trying to hold back one very pissed off artist.

"Give me my clay! I blast him into pieces so small he'll give dust competition!"

"Dei, I don't have it on me."

"Dumbasses!" he shouted as Obito bent him backwards, avoiding the other guy's punch. Deidara shot out his leg in between Obito's, landing a solid kick to the other guy's groin. "I am not a fucking girl and even if I was, I still wouldn't touch you!"

Obito straightened them back up, letting go of Deidara, who stormed off towards their hotel. He turned to look at his would-be assailant, who was kneeling on the ground, tears streaming down his face. "Senpai has very powerful legs, doesn't he, Fool-sama?" The other man nodded. Obito leaned in, his tone turning dangerous. "I would suggest leaving Senpai alone if you want to live." He stood back up and then, in his goofy tone, added "Tobi also suggests Fool-sama learn to tell the difference between a man and a woman. Tobi happily informs Fool-sama that Senpai most definitely does not have boobies." And with that, he skipped off, yelling for his senpai to wait up.


	6. Nuisance

_June 13, 2014. One for Kakashi and Iruka. I've been following two rp tumblrs (one Iruka and the other Kakashi) and while I don't ship them, their reactions to each other are just so damn cute and I've been inspired. Same one as before. __'I'm pretending to be your bff because you looked VERY uncomfortable with that person at the bar hitting on you' AU._

* * *

He scanned the rest of the bar from his seat in the back, making sure he hadn't missed his target coming in with the influx of new people. The bar was new and quite popular, gaining a reputation for excellent sake and decent food. He raised the book back in up a few centimeters and continue reading, absent-mindedly picking up a tempura vegetable and popping it into his mouth. He continued this pattern, lowering the book slightly, eating, and drinking, while waiting patiently. His informant that had assured him the target would be there because he was very fashionable and this bar was _the_ place to go in Konoha.

A voice interrupted his reading. "May I pour you another cup?"

He glanced up. "No thanks."

"But your cup is dry. Surely you'd like to enjoy more of this fine sake? Or maybe you'd like to have someone enjoy it with you?"

"No, it's fine."

"Oh, well, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"

"Don't have one."

The girl continued, undeterred. "Does your left eye hurt? Because you've been looking right all day."

He sighed. "Look, Miss-"

She sat down across from him and poured him some sake. "No need for formalities! My name is Naho. What's yours?"

"It's Iruka and you're in my seat."

She frowned and looked up at the interrupting man. She got up and bowed to Kakashi "I didn't realize you were here with someone else, sorry." She then scurried off; throwing nasty looks at the man that was now occupying her seat and ruining what could have potentially been a good night for her.

Kakashi raised his eye at Iruka who simply shrugged. "You looked like you were being annoyed. Thought I'd help out."

Kakashi nodded. "Thanks."

"Can I ask why you're here? No offense, but it doesn't really seem like the kind of place you would hang out alone at."

"Work."

Iruka snorted, shaking his head. "I should have known. I wonder sometimes if you're married to it, Kakashi-san." Kakashi's response was to shrug, while scanning the bar again. "Do you mind if I keep you company? I've heard this place is giving Teuchi a bit of competition and wanted to try out some of the ramen."

"Sure, but I doubt he has to worry any, as long as he has you and Naruto as loyal customers, he'll never go out of business."

Iruka laughed. "That's true. Naruto sure can eat."

"So can you. I've seen stacks of bowls that nearly rival Naruto's sitting next to you."

"You must have just caught me on a bad day or something." Iruka rubbed the back of his head laughing. "I don't usually eat _that_ much."

He looked at Iruka over his book. "I've seen it on more than one occasion."

"Kakashi-san, are... you stalking me?"

"No, I happen to wander by while I'm lost-"

"On the path of life," Iruka finished for him, grinning. Kakashi rolled his eye.


	7. Lies

_June 26, 20214. Another rp prompt - 'Accidentally read their diary AU'. __**Rated M **__for innuendo._

* * *

It wasn't so much as an accident as it was curiosity. Tobi didn't know there were any books or scrolls in their shared room, so when he saw the book casually lying on Deidara's pillow, he assumed it was there on accident. Since he was bored, he decided to figure out where it belonged and put it back. It wasn't like he had anything else to do. Pein and Konan were running the organization according to his plans, he still needed to maintain his goofball personality for the time being, and Deidara was busy reporting to Pein on their latest mission. After that, he would be spending the better part of an hour going over, in minute detail, the mission expenses with Kakuzu.

So, he sat down on Deidara's bed, picked up the book, and opened the cover. The first page had doodles on it. Squiggly lines, blocks colored in during a time of boredom, chibi Akatsuki members. He paused to look at them. The Sasori chibi was angrily crossed out, 'Forever is a lie' written under it. The Itachi figure's eyes were nothing but large pen holes. He sighed. "Why does Senpai ruin books? This is why we can't have nice things." He turned the page, noting the clay thumbprint in the middle of the page, and turned to the next page. A page that had handwritten words on it. He frowned and started reading.

_'Someone let 'Same cook again. It wasn't fish, but that was the only good thing about it. He sliced up a roast he "found" in the back of the freezer. It has probably been in the freezer longer than I've been with these losers. He cut it up into steaks and undercooked it. I think he was the only one who enjoyed it. Even Kakuzu agreed it was time to fork over the money to go grocery shopping. We almost ended up stuck with it, but I fainted (and later found out Danna actually tranqed me) and so Kisame and that damned Itachi-bastard have to do it. Supposedly, Itachi-bastard and Kakuzu had a glaring contest over how much money to spend and Itachi-bastard managed to wrangle out a decent budget without resorting to using _that_. Miracles never cease in this fucking place.'_

Tobi raised an eyebrow and flipped through the pages. It was all handwritten. A glorious treasure, an insight into Deidara's thoughts, priceless and unexpected. He flipped back to the beginning, and, lying down on the bed, his head on Deidara's pillow, he began to read, looking forward to annoying his good 'Senpai'.

Sometime later, he heard voices outside the door, heard the doorknob turning, and he hastily used a jutsu to make a copy of the diary, tucking it into his robe, before going back to the page he was reading in the original. The door opened slowly, Deidara walking in and making his way to the bathroom. He paused when he registered Tobi was on his bed, reading...

"Tobi."

"Yes, Senpai?"

"Is that what I think it is?"

Tobi looked at Deidara and then back at the book. He took an exaggerated gulp. "I can explain, Senpai."

Deidara glared and started tapping his foot.

"Yousee,Senpai,Tobithoughtthebookhadbeenmisplacedandopenedituptofindoutwhereitbelongedandthenforgottostopreadingpleasedon'tkillTobiTobiisagoodboy!"

"I didn't know you could read, un."

"That's mean, Senpai. But Tobi didn't know Senpai could write!"

Deidara huffed. "Of course I can write, I'm not some illiterate idiot who can barely scrawl out his own name." He went back to the door, closing it and making sure it was locked.

"Senpai?"

"What?"

"Senpai's not mad?"

"No, is there a reason I should be?" He removed his robe while walking towards Tobi. When he got to the bed, he dropped it and got on, placing one knee on the other side of Tobi and straddling him.

"Senpai?!" Tobi squeaked.

Deidara leaned down, placing his hands on Tobi's shoulders. He moved his mouth to Tobi's ear and whispered "Mad doesn't even begin to describe what I am, Tobi. But, I'll let you live if you take off your mask. Your other choice is to be blasted so far underground; you'll be on the other side of the world, un."

Obito shivered. This certainly wasn't what he had expected. Being blown through the roof, despite Pein's threats of not using his clay inside the base, yes. Having Deidara on top of him, threatening to blow him up? No, and damn if he didn't want to find some way of milking this moment for all it's worth. He moved his hand up to his mask slowly. "My... mask, Senpai?"

"You've read my secrets, now I want to see yours. Fair is fair, un."

"A-a-a-anything else, Senpai, please?"

Deidara face contorted in rage and he shoved Tobi into the bed before bouncing off and yelling "Katsu!" The base shook with the force of the implosion and Deidara opened the window, letting out the smoke and dust as debris rained down. When it finally stopped raining and the smoke cleared, there was nothing but a neat rectangular hole where his bed had been. He went to the edge and looked down, smiling when he couldn't see the bottom. He kicked a lose piece of the floor down into the hole and listened hard, but a minute later, he still hadn't heard anything and now there were people banging on his door ordering him to open it. He shrugged and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Afterwards, he was treated to the sight of his door busted down, and most of the Akatsuki members gathered around the hole.

"Fucker finally did it. He blew himself up. He could have had the fucking decency to let us watch, for Jashin's sake."

"No, Hidan, he could have had the decency to go outside and blow himself up. Nature's free. The bed, linens, flooring, sub flooring, and" he paused looking at the pocked ceiling. "Ceiling, structural damage, all of those aren't. If he wasn't already dead, I'd kill him."

"Something wrong?" Deidara asked, toweling off his hair. He walked over to the hole, ignoring the shocked looks of the rest of the Akatsuki. He whistled. "That's a deep hole. I told that idiot not to play with my clay. I guess we're lucky he didn't blow the rest of us up with him, un." He continued rubbing the towel vigorously against his head, walking over to his former partner's bed. He tossed the towel in the laundry basket nearby and laid down. "You mind getting out? I just got back and would like to get some sleep."

"Damn, that's cold, man. You just lost your second partner."

Deidara turned over, facing the wall. "Never wanted him, un. Get out."

"Aw, is the wittle Iwa gonna cwy?"

"Piss off, Hidan."

"Touchy-"

Pein interrupted the argument between the two. "Enough. Deidara, expect to be sent out in the morning to find a new partner."

Deidara rolled over and sat up. "I don't need one!"

"Yes, you do. No amount of arguing is going to change the order. Drop by my office in the morning." Pein left the room, followed by the others. Kisame was last, stopping to give Deidara a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Deidara snapped.

"Nothing. It was Tobi's turn to cook. Guess I'll have to do it tonight."

Deidara groaned and flopped back down on the bed. He fell asleep, a hand over his eyes, while thinking about how disappointing his latest creation had been. It lacked the big flare of an explosion, and while implosions were cool, they just weren't really his thing. He awoke to find something hard pressing into his shoulder, something warm wrapped around him. He elbowed it hard and was shocked to hear a whiny, breathy "Senpai".

"How did you survive that, un?"

His answer came with a deeper-than-usual voice and a tightening of the arms around him. "Do you really think, after all the times you've tried to blow me up, that you can kill me so easily?"

"I'll have to try harder, un."

Obito chuckled. "As much as I enjoy it, I'd rather enjoy an explosion of a different sort, _Senpai_."

Deidara stiffened. "Oh hell no. Why the hell do you think I want anything to do with a mask-wearing, lying-"

Obito sighed, letting go of Deidara when he started trying to kick him. "The lies are necessary for now, Dei."

"Don't call me that!" Deidara hissed, rolling away from his partner. He stopped when he felt the edge of the bed. He was now facing the orange mask. "I hate you. I. Fucking. Hate. You."

"Awww, Senpai, don't be like that. Tobi only annoys Senpai because it makes Senpai happy."

"Does not!"

"Does so. Don't try to lie to someone older than you. Admit it, Dei, you like coming up with new ways to send Tobi flying. It's become a hobby for Senpai."

Deidara narrowed his eyes. "Older. How much older?"

Tobi shrugged. "Does it matter?" He was answered with angry silence from the blonde. "You're what? Nineteen?" A small nod. "A good ten or fifteen years, then."

Deidara was suspicious. "You don't know exactly?"

Another shrug. "I stopped keeping track. Birthdays stopped being important a long time ago."

"Let me see your face, un."

"In good time, Senpai, but not today. Looks like we'll have to share the bed until the room gets fixed."

Deidara pushed him off the bed with his legs. "You're the reason my bed blew up, so this is mine now. You can sleep on the floor for all I care." His statement was met with chuckling. "What's so funny?" he asked, looking over the edge.

What he saw made his right eye twitch. Tobi was wriggling around on the ground, back in full idiot mode, hugging his pillow and saying, "Senpai loves Tobi." The resulting noise lead to the rest of the Akatsuki running into his room for the second time that day, wondering whom he was screaming obscenities at. Kisame pulled Deidara off Tobi, grabbing the pillow as the slighter man tried to throw it at his partner's head.

He sighed. "And I was looking forward to cooking, tonight."


	8. Failure

_August 8, 2014. Inspired by a meme posted on tumblr. I was thinking of a reason of why in the world Ibiki would ever brush his fingers through Kakashi's hair (or anyone's for that matter, he's not a touchy, feely sort of guy) and even responded with the reason, but wanted to write more on it._

* * *

"Alright, listen up! This will be a two-fold test. The first part is you keeping me confined for the entire duration. The second will be to test my reactions to this new drug the medics have concocted. I've been told it's irresistible and has minimal side effects."

Several hands shot up in the air and there was muttering. He ignored them. "The drug is supposed to last for roughly five hours. Therefore, I will need to be detained for that long." Most of the hands went down. The lone hand wavered, but stayed.

"Standard containment procedures apply." The remaining hand disappeared.

"Any questions?" No one spoke up or raised a hand again. He nodded to the medic standing by, syringe in hand. He was given the shot in his arm and the medic packed up, leaving him to the tender care of his subordinates. "This starts now."

They jumped up and complied, cuffing him with chakra cuffs, patting him down for weapons. They removed a good deal, being quite thorough, putting their training to good use. He was soon escorted to his own interrogation room, two guards posted at the door. He sat back and waited, knowing the game was to let a prisoner sit and get antsy for a bit. Not something that worked on everyone, of course, but he had told them standard procedure. Pity it wasn't occurring to them to question which standard procedure, though. Standard procedure for a normal shinobi wasn't going to work on him. The standard procedures for an S-class, now that would do just fine.

A good half hour of sitting and someone finally came in, hands in their pockets, looking sheepish. "Ibiki-san, how are you doing?"

He simply snorted. The other man, one Tsurimi Taisho, sat down at the table, beaming at him. To say he was now annoyed was an understatement.

"They said I should spend some quality time with Senpai-"

The glare he was leveling at the young man silenced him. "I told them standard procedure. That doesn't mean send in the freshest body they can to ask questions they know I'm not going to answer. Don't call me Senpai, kid."

"Uh, well, um, okay?" He looked down and then shook his head before looking back up again. "Regardless, Ibiki-san, I do need to ask you these questions. There's some questions from the medic too. She said to watch out for-"

"I'm aware of the symptoms."

"Uh, Well, then, I'll just go down the list then. Favorite color?"

"No."

"No isn't a color, Ibiki-san."

"Is now, next."

"Ibiki-san, you have to like a color. What is it?"

"I like some colors."

"That's real vague, Sen-, Ibiki-San. It's not a difficult question."

"I know."

They spent the next hour arguing over the question of favorite color, the stubbornness of the kid impressing him. He was asked a serious of questions of how he felt next, in regards to the drug. He was less than impressed with it. It wasn't living up to its expectations.

"Records say you have a brother?"

"Had."

"What was he like?"

Ah, now they were getting to the questions that mattered. "Do you need to know?" Yes, because that could, potentially, open doors.

The kid frowned. "Don't answer my question with a question. Your defensiveness suggests-"

"It's not a big secret that he was a coward."

"You hate him."

"Is family something you can so easily hate?"

"Yes."

He leaned forward. "Really, because they died and left you alone? Because they weren't strong enough?"

"Uh, but, people like Sasuke?"

"The Uchiha brat is a special circumstance. Why do you hate your family?"

"What, wait, I never said-"

There was a knock at the door and Ibiki leaned back. The kid got up to answer it and then looked at Ibiki before walking out and closing it behind him. Maybe now, they would start to take things seriously. He pulled a thin piece of metal from behind the metal plate on his hitai-ate and started picking the cuffs. The cuffs were designed to melt lock picks, but it took time for the jutsu to heat up the metal enough and if one was quick, one could still get out of them. He freed one hand, waited patiently for the pick to cool, and then went to work on the other.

He waited a few minutes before deciding to step things up a notch. "I'm calling an end to this. This has been a colossal failure and I am deeply disappointed in the entire department. I can see we are going to have to go over basic training, review all the procedures and relearn how to identify and treat criminals appropriately."

"Really, boss? We didn't fail that bad, you're still- urk." He was up as soon as the door opened; putting his cuffs around the poor subordinate's neck. He slammed his head into the wall, leaving both the cuffs and the man to crumple to the floor. There were four more standing in the hallway, gaping at him and he took it upon himself to use their surprise to leave a shadow clone in his place and run out of their sight. Once around the corner, he started walking calmly, acting just as he normally would.

The clone, in the mean time, started the hand signals for his torture chamber jutsu and had the other four swearing and running in the opposite direction. He sighed and decided to lean back against the wall and wait to see if they would come back before he was released.

He managed to make it completely out of the building without anyone so much as bothering to stop him. He decided to go get something to eat and ended up spending a leisurely hour in an out-of-the-way restaurant. When he left, he walked around some, eventually spotting Hatake reading on a park bench. His hands suddenly itched, wanting to touch hair similar to what he once had and he suddenly didn't see a reason or care why he shouldn't.

He honestly didn't remember anything beyond silver hair when he woke up, in the hospital. He felt like he'd been run over by a herd of jōnin or had perhaps been on the receiving end of Tsunade's fist. The Anbu he'd assigned to watch without interfering confirmed he had indeed, had both happen to him. He'd run away from his department after they had found him with Hatake, used a transformation jutsu to turn himself into a rather plain and boring looking shinobi. In that guise, he wandered over to the mission room, where it had been his luck to be trampled by ninjas fleeing the wrath of one very pissed off academy sensei. After that, he'd stumbled in the direction of the Hokage's tower. The chakra drain had come from him challenging Genma and Raidō outside it, which had lead to Tsunade's involvement.

So what had they (he) all learned from this? The Torture and Interrogation Force had failed spectacularly and were going to be training until the end of time or he was satisfied, which ever came first. The drug didn't really kick in until food entered the system, to which, after that, it worked in so far as he had blabbered about things that directly correlated to whatever he wanted at the time without any prompt whatsoever. One should not try to use one's Iron Maiden summon on Tsunade's favorite assistants/guards with said woman present or nearby. And finally, there was the previously unknown, but welcome (well, it would be during interrogations) side effect of memory loss. Whether he was happy he couldn't remember or not, he wasn't sure and he wouldn't find out for a few days either while he recovered. On pain of being punched into the next country.


	9. Bonding

_January 30, 2015. You know those crime shows, like CSI, where after a case, everyone goes out to eat or drink or they do some sort of team socializing thing. That plus the coincidence that Iwashi likes buttered corn and Ibiki hates it inspired this. I would also like to clarify that since this is based off the Ibiki I rp, Ibiki and Iruka are merely friends, bordering on an almost sibling like relationship._

* * *

It had been an intense case, but with it finally over the department could breathe again. Ibiki had driven them unrelentingly, making them run down _every_ single miniscule lead in the Mizuki case. From reinvestigating the past incident that landed Mizuki off missions, to intense questioning that bordered on interrogations to all of Mizuki's friends, save Iruka, who had only recently gotten out of the hospital. Not to say that Iruka wasn't questioned. He was, by Ibiki himself, but it was nothing more than a report of Iruka's version of events. Some of the newer members found it to be odd, but none of them were suicidal enough to call him out on it. Especially not when he was like a hawk on the hunt, focused sharply on the case. No one had ever seen him get quite that testy about anything. _It just wasn't done._

Ibiki had a small place in his cold, black, withered heart for Iruka, right along side the place he had for Konoha. Those who betrayed the village always made his shit list. Loyalty was something he considered essential for any shinobi and those who were not loyal only had one destiny. Death. The only reason he wasn't the one to interrogate Mizuki was because, in his mind, Mizuki was traitor twice over. He didn't trust himself not to wring Mizuki's neck or snap it like a cheap pencil and while that would have been very satisfying for him, Hiruzen and the council would have been... less than happy with him.

It was with much trepidation that Tonbo knocked on Ibiki's door. The lack of response was a little nerve-racking and gave him enough time pull out a pack of cigarettes, tap one out and stick it in his mouth. A muffled, gruff "Come in," was heard before he could light it though. Tonbo sighed, opened the door, and took a step in, leaning against the doorframe.

The cigarette bobbed a bit as he spoke. "It's late and we've all really been working hard lately. We thought it would be nice to go out and get something to eat. Come join us, Boss. We'll even pick up your tab."

Ibiki was not happy at the interruption. He had mountains of paperwork to catch up on. Things he'd pushed aside in favor of going full tilt, legally (mostly), at Mizuki. He was considering, while glaring at his subordinate over the edge of the report he was reading, giving them a break and letting them go for the day. Until the mention of free food. The report was set aside, the coat grabbed off the back of his chair and swiftly put on and he was standing at the door shooing Tonbo out in what was probably record time for getting him out of the office.

They ended up at a nearby barbeque place, one Ibiki frequented, the owners and waiter's eyes lighting up at the sight of him. He always racked up a generous bill, especially when he forgot to eat lunch. It was chaos at first, the waiter pushing together two tables and getting them seated and started on their orders. It smoothed out once everyone was settled, talking with each other about theories on various cases (mostly the last one and what everyone thought the end game for Mizuki would be), teasing each other about odd habits, speculation on Ibiki's relationship with Iruka. The two idiots who started that conversation ducked a little at the one-eyed glare Ibiki gave them, especially since they were trending onto dangerous speculation. Ibiki had little choice but to respond and nip their stupidity in the bud.

He took his time with it though, tapping his finger on the table, drawing it out as if it was some great secret. "Iruka is like an otter with a rock, searching for clams."

Snickering, accompanied by a slap upside the head and a quiet "Ooowww, man," shut Iwashi up, for a short time. He was fortunate Tonbo was sitting beside him and had taken the initiative, otherwise he would have gotten kicked by Ibiki, who was sitting across the table from him.

Ibiki continued. "He looks for clams that don't open easily. Then he bashes his way in repeatedly with the rock, prying until he gets a crack in it. If the clam closes on him, he keeps trying. Eventually the shell cracks and he's able to get into the clam enough to get what he wants. You all know damned well I don't have relationships, friends, or any other of that sort of nonsense. It's too easy to be used against you in this line of work. He is... an acquaintance who has _earned_ enough of my trust to be allowed to take care of my apartment while I'm away on missions. Nothing more, nothing less."

Their food arrived at this point, passed around to appropriate owners, except for the plate of buttered corn that kept circling the table. It landed beside Ibiki and he looked at it as if it offended him.

"Hey, has anyone seen my corn? Don't tell me they didn't bring it!" Iwashi was searching down the table, palms pushing him halfway up out of his seat until the item in question ended up thrust under his nose. A nose that acquired butter on it.

"Oh hey, there it is. Thanks, Boss!"

Ibiki didn't give him any response, too busy (and inwardly, gleefully) tucking into his food.


End file.
